My people showed me some numbers yesterday. They were percentages, and they said they were bad. I didn’t get it. They didn’t look like bad numbers. I think three is quite a nice number, actually, and they all add up to 100. That’s all that matters, surely? But these numbers seem to have caused some upset, and they’re making people behave rather strangely.
After Jacinda saw them, she sighed and said, “Good luck at the caucus meeting.” I laughed and said, “Thanks.” That was nice of her.
Grant Robertson came into my office this morning. He started putting pictures of his family on the desk. David Cunliffe took my phone. Now I can’t call anyone, which is bad, because I want pizza.
I don’t really know what’s happening, to be honest. It’s been fun being leader. Stressful, I mean, but I’ve enjoyed it. At first, they welcomed me with open arms. They taught me how to sit at my desk, showed me where Parliament was, and David Parker taught me about a thing called the economy. He said it was an important thing that does well under Labour, but not under National, even when Labour and National do the same things.
That made sense to me. National are the bad guys. I know that much.
But yeah, as I was saying, it’s been fun, but lately things have changed. In public, everyone says they’re my friend. In private, they yell at me. Why would they do that? I don’t know how to yell back. I just stand there and say, “Uhm, uh, yeah, probably.”
You might wonder where I got the idea, but I feel like I might not be around for much longer. That’s why I decided to write this, just so that I could say some things now, and tell people how I feel while I still have the chance.
It's hard not to feel some sympathy for David Shearer. Installed as leader by the ABC faction in Labour (Anyone But Cunliffe) he gets grief from all the Cunliffe supporters in Labour's rank and file. At the same time, his deputy Grant Robertson has stacked the leader's office with Robertson acolytes.
The Civilian purports to write satire, but sometimes the line between satire and the truth become blurred. Might this be one of those times?
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